Open Relationships Demystified
Polyamory, often described as an open relationship, is the practice of consensual non-monogamy. For many, it raises questions about ethics, boundaries, and whether a couple can maintain trust while exploring other connections. Deepa Paul, a Filipina-Indian author based in Amsterdam, tackles these questions in her memoir, Ask Me How It Works, sharing a personal narrative that blends love, exploration, and the practicalities of building a life that suits her needs.
From Curiosity to Commitment
Paul describes a lived arc from curiosity about non-monogamous experiences to a daily practice within her marriage. Her journey began in earnest after moving from Singapore to Amsterdam, a city she says gave her the space to explore what had long felt off-limits. The catalyst was a Craigslist discovery that opened her eyes to a broader sexual landscape—and a realization that the life she had hoped for could include more than a traditional path.
Reconciling Needs with a Shared Life
The turning point came when she acknowledged unmet emotional and sexual needs while recognizing her husband Marcus’ desire for stability and transparency. Through non-violent communication and a dedicated coaching process, they learned to articulate their needs without judgment. The result was not chaos, but a redefined partnership in which truth, consent, and mutual respect formed the core.
A key insight from Paul’s experience is that asking for what you want does not have to be an act of betrayal. Instead, transparent dialogue can lead to a shared container that accommodates variety, exploration, and closeness within lasting commitment.
Designing a Custom Relationship
Paul and Marcus created a practical framework for their open arrangement. They established ground rules to minimize risk and maximize trust: always use barrier methods, commit to regular STI testing with shared results, and avoid coworkers and close friends to keep personal lives distinct and respectful. They scheduled dates in a way that honored childcare needs, recognizing that parenting responsibilities could not be sidelined for spontaneous adventures.
At the heart of their approach is a conscious choice to protect the relationship while allowing for sexual adventure. They experimented with dating alone and together—sometimes exploring clubs or casual connections in the “wild,” as Paul describes it—while maintaining clear communication about boundaries and expectations.
Conflict, Forgiveness, and Rediscovery
Misunderstandings and heartbreak are part of the terrain. When a breach occurred, Marcus initially confronted the pain with a focus on repair rather than resignation. The couple’s response—working through guilt, rebuilding trust, and recognizing that desire is a normal, human aspect of life—was instrumental in shaping their path forward. Forgiveness, accountability, and ongoing dialogue became the pillars that kept their partnership intact.
What Makes an Open Marriage Work?
Several takeaways emerge from Paul’s memoir and her public conversations. First, clarity about one’s own needs is essential. The process is iterative: you identify needs, test whether they can be met within the existing relationship, and, if not, negotiate a new arrangement that respects both partners. Second, transparency is non-negotiable. Marcus’ requirement for openness was not about policing but about feeling secure and valued in the relationship. Finally, practical safeguards—such as safe sex practices, testing, consent, and boundaries—are not barriers but enablers that make non-traditional arrangements viable for couples who choose them.
Reading the Memoir, Looking Forward
Ask Me How It Works has attracted translations in German and Dutch, signaling a growing curiosity about how open marriages are designed and sustained in real life. For anyone curious about polyamory, Deepa Paul’s story offers both inspiration and a pragmatic blueprint: know what you want, be willing to ask for it, and build a life that respects the needs of all involved.
As Paul prepares for appearances at international venues like the Frankfurt Book Fair, her message remains clear: open relationships are not about flagrant rule-breaking but about intentional living—creating a plan that honors desire, fidelity, and the complex humanity that underpins every romantic choice.
