Introduction: A memoir that reframes polyamory
Polyamory, or consensual non-monogamy, has moved from whispered conversations to thoughtful exploration for many. In the Philippines, where divorce remains complex, and in Amsterdam, where European openness can shape life choices, Deepa Paul’s memoir, Ask Me How It Works, offers a candid portrait of designing an open marriage. The book, translated into German and Dutch, reframes polyamory not as rebellion but as a deliberate life design—one that centers communication, consent, and personal needs.
How it all begins: curiosity, conflict, and a turning point
Deepa’s journey into open marriage began with a blend of curiosity and a sense that her authentic self was slipping within traditional expectations. Raised in a Catholic, sheltered milieu, she encountered a world of sexual exploration after moving to Amsterdam. A chance encounter on Craigslist opened a door to conversations about a “swingers club” and the lifestyle, sowing questions about what a relationship could look like beyond monogamy. Her initial exploration collided with the reality that her husband’s reaction was explosive, prompting a critical moment of choice and reflection.
From desire to dialogue: the breakthrough
After a difficult discovery years later, Deepa and her husband, Marcus, faced a crossroads. It wasn’t merely about sex; it was about transparency, safety, and shared values. A realization emerged: unmet needs had to be acknowledged and addressed openly. They pursued a path that balanced variety with honesty, ultimately naming the evolving arrangement—an open marriage—as the framework that made sense for their relationship at the time.
Building a framework: rules that support trust
What makes Deepa’s story instructive is the practical structure she and Marcus built to keep their bond intact while pursuing sexual exploration. They created a ground rules system, long before many people understood the concept of open marriage:
- Safe sex and barrier methods consistently used.
- Regular STI testing and transparent sharing of results.
- No co-workers or close friends involved to reduce relational messiness.
- Boundaries: dates limited to certain frequencies, no overnight stays initially.
They also approached dating with a sense of mutual responsibility. They agreed to go to clubs together when possible, and when circumstances required solo dates, they communicated in advance. The core aim was not merely sexual exploration but maintaining the emotional heartbeat of the marriage through honesty and respect.
Communication as the bedrock: non-violent techniques and self-work
The couple turned to a communication coach who used non-violent communication to surface needs without blame. This process helped Deepa articulate her own needs for variety, spontaneity, and a sense of self, while Marcus explored how to feel secure and prioritized. The result was a shared language about desires, boundaries, and accountability—an essential feature of any open marriage that seeks to weather jealousy and insecurity.
What readers can take away about open relationships
Deepa Paul’s narrative offers several transferable lessons for anyone curious about polyamory as a life design, not a taboo. First, clarity of what you want is crucial. Second, couples must negotiate transparent practices—regular communication, health safeguards, and agreed-upon boundaries. Third, healing and self-work are integral: addressing internal needs, addressing past hurts, and cultivating forgiveness enables a healthier, more resilient partnership. Finally, open marriage is not a universal fix; it is a tailored approach that honors both partners’ needs and the relationship’s longevity.
Conclusion: A life designed with intention
As Deepa prepares for a Frankfurt Book Fair panel, her memoir suggests a hopeful premise: you can design your life in a way that makes sense for you—together—with honesty at the center. The question she frames is not simply “how does an open marriage work?” but “how can I build a life that honors both my individuality and my partnership?”
