Introduction: Why this topic resonates
Longstanding friendships are built on shared memories, trust, and a sense of safety. When a romantic relationship becomes controlling, it can push a close friend to the margins—even after two decades of camaraderie. If you’re wondering, “Why Tho?” or how a partner can influence a long-standing bond, you’re not alone. This column explores why a 20-year friendship might be sidelined, the emotional dynamics at play, and practical steps for healing—and for setting healthy boundaries going forward.
The dynamics at work
Two forces often collide in these scenarios: loyalty to a friend, and loyalty to a partner who wants exclusive control. A controlling girlfriend (or partner) may unintentionally—or intentionally—reframe the friendship as a threat to the relationship. The result can look like silence, missed plans, or distance that grows over time. Your friend may justify the choice as protecting the relationship, while you feel discounted, invisible, or replaced.
It’s important to acknowledge the pain on both sides. You miss your friend; your friend may miss the freedom and trust that once anchored the friendship. The reality is rarely black and white. People in love can justify difficult boundaries as care, while others experience it as coercion. Understanding this nuance helps you approach the situation with clarity and compassion.
What you can control: your response and boundaries
While you can’t rewrite someone else’s choices, you can control how you respond. Consider these steps:
- Clarify your own needs: What do you need from the friendship to feel respected? Is it regular contact, or simply acknowledgement of your importance?
- Open a calm conversation: If possible, reach out with a non-confrontational message. Express how the changes have affected you without naming blame or piling on guilt.
- Set healthy boundaries: Decide what you will and won’t accept. This might include expectations about how you’re treated in conversations about the friend’s partner, or about how often you’re included in group plans.
- Respect your friend’s journey: Your friend may need space or time to reflect. It’s okay to give that, even if it’s painful to watch.
- Seek support from others: Lean on other friends, family, or a therapist who can help you process the loss and avoid internalizing blame.
When to re-evaluate the friendship
Over time, you may discover that the friendship has transformed beyond what you’re comfortable with. Re-evaluating doesn’t equate to quitting; it can mean redefining what friendship means to you now. Ask yourself:
- Have my values and needs shifted so much that the relationship no longer aligns with who I am?
- Is there a pathway to mutual respect, or is the dynamic permanently one-sided?
- What would a healthy boundary look like if I still want a connection, even if it’s less frequent?
Practical steps to move forward
Here are actionable ideas to help you navigate this season with grace and responsibility:
- Communicate your feelings in writing: If direct conversations become tense, a well-considered letter can articulate your concerns without escalating emotions.
- Plan when you will reassess: Set a concrete time frame (e.g., three months) to revisit the relationship and assess progress.
- Diversify your social circle: Strengthen other friendships and activities. A broader support system protects you from over-investing in a single relationship.
- Focus on self-care: Grief, disappointment, and confusion are natural. Prioritize sleep, boundaries, and activities that restore your sense of self.
What healing looks like after a long friendship shifts
Healing is not about erasing the past; it’s about integrating it into a new reality. You may still look back with fondness, but the present looks different. Some people find that new friendships emerge from the space left by a changed dynamic. Others discover strengths and interests that were waiting beneath the surface while the friendship was “on hold.” The most important outcome is choosing a path that honors your dignity and emotional well-being.
Final thoughts
“Why Tho?” captures a common human question when loyalty is tested. A 20-year friendship deserves careful consideration, empathy, and honest boundaries. If you’re watching a friend sidelined by a controlling partner, you can acknowledge your hurt while giving room for their growth. In time, the truth of your connection will reveal itself: some bonds remain resilient, others transform—and both deserve respect.
