Introduction: A memoir that answers the questions about open relationships
Polyamory, commonly called an open relationship, is the practice of consensual non-monogamy. In places like the Philippines, where divorce remains complicated, the topic can feel controversial. Deepa Paul, a Filipina-Indian author based in Amsterdam, has explored this terrain in her memoir, Ask Me How It Works. Through her own experiences, she offers a practical, sometimes personal, lens on how an open marriage can function. Her message is not about sensationalism but about designing a life that makes sense for you, with honesty and consent at the center.
Starting with a clear question: What do you want?
Paul emphasizes a simple yet powerful starting point: know what you want and be unafraid to ask for it. Her journey began as a blunt curiosity sparked by a sense of loss and the desire to reclaim herself beyond the role of “mother.” This curiosity didn’t come with a handbook, but it did come with a willingness to communicate openly about desires that felt out of bounds. The key, she says, is to translate those inner needs into conversations with a partner who shares the relationship’s foundation.
From secrecy to transparency: rebuilding a relationship on trust
Paul describes a pivotal moment when her actions nearly fractured her marriage. After a staggeringly candid web of encounters, her husband Marcus discovered aspects of her life that had remained hidden. The immediate fallout was painful, yet it sparked a crucial shift: the realization that her partner’s need for transparency could be honored without sacrificing her own freedom. They chose a path that rejected divorce as an immediate option, given cultural and logistical barriers, and instead pursued a collaborative redesign of their marriage. Transparency, rather than silence, became the engine of healing.
Designing a workable framework: rules, boundaries, and accountability
What followed wasn’t reckless wandering; it was a negotiated framework grounded in safety and respect. Paul and Marcus set practical ground rules to align their divergent needs: IST safety through barrier methods, regular STI testing, and a policy of no co-workers or close friends to keep drama at bay. They also created a rhythm that allowed for exploration while preserving family life: scheduled dates, boundaries about overnight stays, and a commitment to communicate before any new connection. The aim was not to eliminate desire but to channel it in a way that favored mutual trust and family stability.
Practical steps that helped them survive the early days
- Open discussions about sexual needs and emotional boundaries
- Joint decision-making on how and when to explore
- Clear safety protocols: contraception, STI testing, and health transparency
- A rule set around who they would and would not involve (no coworkers, no friends to avoid entanglement)
- A strategy to keep parenting and daily life in stable balance while they explored individually
What makes an open marriage work: shared values and ongoing communication
Deepa Paul’s account centers on a core idea: a successful open marriage is designed, not stumbled into. It requires ongoing communication, reassessment, and the humility to admit hurt while also owning one’s needs. The conversation moves beyond the sensational aspects of polyamory to focus on how adults negotiate desire within a committed partnership. It is about designing a life that makes sense for both partners and, where relevant, their family, even when cultural norms seem to push in the opposite direction.
A memoir with broader relevance: what readers should take away
For readers curious about polyamory, Paul’s memoir offers a grounded, experience-based guide. It shows that open relationships are not a one-size-fits-all experiment but a personal blueprint that can evolve with time, consent, and mutual care. The book, translated into German and Dutch, signals a widening conversation about how people chart intimate life in a world where traditional models are evolving.
Conclusion: Designing your own path with courage and care
Whether you are considering an open marriage or seeking a better framework within an existing relationship, Paul’s story invites you to start with a clear vision of what you want, cultivate honesty, and agree on structure that supports both partners. It’s not about selling a theory of polyamory; it’s about answering the practical questions that arise when people decide to design love on their own terms.
